Pizza and the formula of the universe

My Daddy taught me that the universe has been expanding for a long time now; apparently it has been doing so ever since the Big Bang. Even Einstein said that, so it must be true. This means that before I eat a pizza I should at least wait 10 minutes before I start, because during that time my pizza is going to expand and then the volume of my meal will have increased whereas the calories won't. Additionally, since my stomach will also have expanded, it won't even trouble me to eat an even bigger volume of pizza.

So what if we let the pizza expand infinitely? The pizza will know no boundaries and is indeed going to be infinite. But if pizza is infinite and the universe is infinite as well, then what is the difference between a pizza and the universe? What if not only your pizza expanded by a certain amount, but also other pizzas before yours (because come on, you're not that special)? This leads me to believe that we are currently living in a big expanding three dimensional pizza. (This means, by the way, that you vegetarian people are fighting a war that's impossible to win. You are living, loving and breathing pizza - one with ham, tomatoes and cheese. How can you claim you stopped eating meat?)

If we wanted to describe the universe in a mathematical way, we would calculate the volume of a cylindric form with pi *r²*h (where r = radius and h = height) - now we define z as the steadily growing radius and a as the steadily growing pizza height and we get the result: 
Universe = pizza

However, those who love pizza might have gotten the thought that it would be smart to let their pizza expand infinitely, but they must remain cautious. Each person is dependent on time and how long they endure before eating their steaming, beckoning pizza. It must be kept in mind that while the pizza is expanding, the distance between you and your wonderful meal will also grow. If you want to find out your optimum pizza eating time, you need to find the stationary points of your personal pizza curve. The personal pizza diagram shows the eating benefit on the y axis and time on the x axis. 
Let y= -(d*x - t)^2 +h, where d = distance to pizza, t= personal time constant =age * last meal taken in hours and h= height of the consumer.

Finally, if we live in an expanding pizza, then why wouldn't other people live in our expanding pizzas? Most importantly, someone is bound to eat the pizza we live in, so the former calculation does not only work for your pizza, but also for the alien on whose pizza we're living in. We can calculate the time we have left before our existence ceases. Therefore, shouldn't the aim of science be to find out the remaining unknowns in the equation and calculate the time we have left before the apocalypse, before a gigantic monster will have come to the conclusion that his pizza expanded enough for him to eat it, before humanity as we know it will vanish into the depths of hell, first having to face sharp teeth, a slimey oesophagus and an acidic sea of gastric juice? Thus, next time you eat a pizza, think of others, think of time and think of the end - it's all in there, in your pizza.

by Anonymous


  1. why do you assume that only one pizza / object is expanding infinitely along with the universe, shouldn't all objects be expanding as well?

  2. As I've understood it, the pizza expands along with the universe, but the topping size (in this case, humans) does not change. Take a real-life example: a family-sized pizza is undeniably bigger than a small one, but the salami slices retain the same size!